I heard we made out
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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