so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
