Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
