Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize