yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
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