Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Randomize
