I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
