His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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