Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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