I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
