He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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