She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
babies were throwing up all over the place
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
