please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
