the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Randomize
