it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
