Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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