Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
