I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
