well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
