I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
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