my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
