and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
