Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
