My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
