Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
