did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
