i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
