***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
where am i from again
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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