end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
