my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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