Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
