so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
