I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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