sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
