alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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