I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
