I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Boobs speak an international language.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
