My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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