After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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