Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
