Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
