Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
