My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
