at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
