Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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