The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
