I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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