He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
