My friends, they love my intelligence
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Blow job season was short but glorious.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
