I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
