i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
