Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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