my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
