Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
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