We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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