if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
