He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
