"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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